**Contains Triggers** Please check-in with yourself as you read, and stop if necessary.*
Suicidal? What does that mean? For people who have never experienced it, it can be quite graphic, so please, TAKE NOTE: You may not have the stomach to read or view this. Please check-in with yourself as you read and stop, if necessary.
At times, suicidal has basically meant having no desire to live, or wishing I was dead, but plugging forward. At other times, suicidal has meant planning a drive to the George Washington Bridge in New York City, or a flight to the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, so when I really want to end my life, I would know just how to do it.
I am a woman devoted to the Catholic Faith, which considers suicide to be a mortal sin. Many people say, but that's your religion; it is out of touch with reality. No. At its core, without watering it down with mitigating circumstances, I consider suicide to be a mortal sin. It is an outright rejection of God and the life He gave me, the life I fight for for the unborn.
The pain and wearing down by my circumstances have resulted in my blowing off and outright rejecting Jesus and His Teachings, to entertain my "fantasies" and "plans." Suicidal tendencies are not rational. I have been a suicide prevention advocate for several years now, but in an actively suicidal state, I do not care. I throw all of my own advice out the window. I can convince myself that God will understand how sick these people are, and as a result, how sick they made me. I can convince myself that I do not have to do the upright thing because God will have mercy on me.
And then, that's it. I am going to to the bridge, or I am going to take another overdose, etc. In my mind - and in my pain - it does not matter that my sons, and friends, and siblings, and now grandson, will miss me and be in an incredible amount of pain. I can convince myself that they have resources for healing that I never has when my Dad took his life on my birthday.
In my mind - and in my pain - it does not matter that I have been dedicated to stopping the killing of human beings in the womb. The screen goes blank....until something in my being eventually kicks in. That something is the Grace of God.
One time I felt incredible and what seemed to be uncontrollable pain, so I forced myself to reach out and I called around to psychiatric hospitals about their admission criteria. I did that because awhile ago, when I was in Canada and in distress, the hospital would not admit me because I was not actively doing something like slicing my wrists, or planning to go home and shoot myself. Suicidal consideration and the inability to cope were not enough. They made me leave.
So this time in the United States, I called to see if the mental health decline had reached our locale - and it had. Four hospitals told me I would not get admitted because I was not far enough along in my suicidal state. I gritted my way through it, but I easily have rapidly progressed in my suicidal state and not have been able to do that gritting - and have taken my life. I would not have been around for my grandson's birth, or my other son's new steady girlfriend, or the anniversary of my mother's death when I go to her grave site and pray the Rosary for her, and my other relatives there.
I came to conclude that all the hospitals who claim to have Psychiatric Care in their list of treatment programs were misrepresenting themselves. One hospital listed Suicide Prevention, as an alternative, but when I called them, that was a misnomer too. It was only Imminent Suicide Prevention, i.e., one had to be slicing their wrists or going home to shoot themselves. If one was not far enough along in their suicidal state, oh well!
Our mental health system needs help. Even more so, our world needs Jesus in our hearts, our minds, and our souls. +
NOT SUICIDAL "ENOUGH" FOR HOSPITAL CARE
SUICIDAL "ENOUGH" FOR HOSPITAL CARE
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OUR WORLD DESPERATELY NEEDS JESUS
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*Updated 01/12/2024
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- https://article1000.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/Management-of-suicidal-behavior.jpg
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